Tellin' on Myself!

Okay, this was probably one of the most embarrassing moments for me ever! One day my family and I were shopping at Home Depot. Working on our house was a never ending project! But this certain day, as we were walking down a lonely aisle of wood, a gas bubble the size of a Hummer worked it's way down my intestines and caused the most horrific pain! Almost like labor pains! Well, being in a very large warehouse, I knew that if I let this one go it was going to bounce off of every wall and the ceiling and come back to me, and then I would be mortified! I started to walk away, but my husband (ex-husband now) asked me where I was going. I told him my predicament and he insisted that no-one was around, so I should just let it go right there. I looked around, but I knew this was going to be bad, so I told him I was just going to go to the restroom, or better yet, outside! Again, he insisted I let it go right there. My eyes began tearing up just thinking about it, the pain was unbearable! So I looked around again and didn't see anyone, so I let it go. And go did it! It did just what I said it would do! It sounded like an explosion in that warehouse! I started to giggle a little bit when I noticed something moving behind a box about 10 feet from us. All of the sudden, a little face came from behind that box, and there sat a Home Depot worker with the most digusted look on his face! Needless to say, I was mortified and ran out of the store crying from the embarrassment!
However, the next day, while visiting Sams Warehouse, my ex had to do the same thing, but men are disgusting and don't care! (my brother is not included in this assessment. He tries to hide his gassy noises by flushing the toilet and then letting one rip, so the noise of the flush will cover the noise of him!!!!!!) Anyway, my ex walked through a very tight aisle, where the womens clothes were hanging, and just as he ripped one, a postal worker, in all his garb, walked out right in front of him! Well, my ex didn't expect that, so he stood up on his big toe on his right foot and proceeded to twirl, as if the air he was releasing had forced him to fly in a circle, and then made a mad dash out of there, laughing all the way! I laughed so hard I about pee'd my pants! But toon in for the next story, a Walmart doozy! One that nearly took my life! You know what I am talking about MOM!!!!!