Thursday, August 26, 2010

The "Honeymoon"!


I never thought I would get married again! After the long 16 year fiasco with a cheating retard, I was determined to remain single and remain happy. Ya think? I was in such a depression it wasn't funny. I was terribly sad and pitiful. So after 5 years of singleness, I was pursued by a hog farmer. He is 10 years older than me and he is a big guy! (not fat!) Anyway, we decided to get married in June and then take a week honeymoon at Lake Vallecito, Colorado, in July. It was a glorified fishing trip! Right up both of our alleys!
The drive was beautiful. Mapquest said that it would be almost 13 hours of driving.....we made it in ten flat! Guess who was driving?? HAHA! Really, we just didn't stop except for gas! Every time we passed a putt-putt golf course, I would excitedly ask Dean if he wanted to stop and play. He simply said, in his deep voice, "PASS." That made me giggle.
So we pull up to our "Modern" cabin in the woods and boy were we glad to finally get out of the car! We paid our bill, got the key and proceeded to go into our "Modern" cabin in the woods. When we opened the door, a very hot, stale blast of air welcomed us! We went in to turn on the air conditioner in this "Modern" cabin......in the woods. Dean and I both turned the heater off and on and off and on and no air conditioner came on! We looked at each other in dismay...and serious desperation, and realized this was definitely NOT a "Modern" cabin...in the stinking woods! Who ever heard of NOT having an air conditioner for vacationers???
Dean took off outside to walk around the cabin....but he did not find anything sticking out of a window that resembled an air conditioner! Our next course of action was to locate a fan! In the bedroom closet there was a fan the size of Deans hand. He pulled it out, plugged it in, and watched it as it vibrated loudly across the table! It would not remain in one spot! The sweat began to drip wildly from the vein that popped out on Deans forehead! I wiped the sweat out from under my boobs and headed towards the front door and told Dean, "No worries! I have a plan!"
I took a walk and eyeballed a few box fans that could easily be stolen with the pop of a window screen, but the easiest plan was to steal the box fan from the laundry room. I returned to the cabin and explained my plan to my hubby. I told him that in a little while, when the sun goes down, I will steal the fan in the cover of darkness! He smiled, grabbed my hand, took me to the laundry room, unplugged the fan and we both carried it back to the cabin! I, of course, was giggling, and Dean said with a deep giggle, "You need to stop giggling! You're going to give us away!" Well, my giggling was due to the fact that I found my perfect match! Dean and I are alike in almost every way!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Conversation with Sandie


me: BUT THE CAT CAME BACK the very next day, he is trying to break my hip, and he won't stay away.
Sent at 8:32 AM on Sunday
me: Hey, are you alive yet?
Sent at 9:04 AM on Sunday
Sandie: Sorta
Sent at 9:29 AM on Sunday
me: Kim said you've been sick. Can you believe that CAT? I squirted it with the hose to get it off me.
Sent at 9:32 AM on Sunday
Sandie: What are you talking about? What cat? I think thyroid medication isnt right making me feel like shit.
me: The one we threw out by Mary's house by Dean's house.
It's baaaccccckkkkkkk
Sandie: I have absoluteLy no energy. Hurts to move
I have absoluteLy no energy. Hurts to move
me: That shouldn't be thyroid medication doing it.
You've been overdoing it moving the house around.
AND MY FAVORITE! It's the CAT'S FAULT.
Sandie: Why tell me these terrible things before I have coffee
me: You haven't had coffee yet?
Wanna come over, mine is still hot.
Sandie: I think it is too much medicine. ThaT won't do it
I think it is too much medicine. ThaT won't do it
Sent at 9:38 AM on Sunday
Sandie: Put the cat in that cage. I will take the thing to hays.
me: It is a 'MAGIC' cat. Disappears and reappears.....
If we shipped it to CHINA it would swim back.
Sandie: I hate animals
me: I know.
I don't hate it. It just does continuous figure-8s around my legs.
And bites me if I stop on any of its parts.
step
Sandie: That is bad
me: Didn't want food or water. Just my legs as an obstacle course this morning.
Sandie: It has to go
Do you have any coffee
me: I told you my coffee is still hot, come on over.
If you want cream ya gotta bring some.
Sandie: I didn't see that
me: open thine eyes
Sandie: It hurts
I will give grace her meds then be over
me: k
Sent at 9:45 AM on Sunday
me: This cat takes a circuitous route. I believe it has a GPS system embedded in its brain.
I'm checking my legs for magnets that aliens may have implanted.
To help the cat find its way back.
Sandie: Kick it so it flies out his ass
me: LMBO
Sandie: Ok granny
me: Thought you'd pick up on the subtlies there.
I did SQUIRT it with the hose. Only way to get it off me this morning.
Sandie: Terrible headache already
me: I'm sorry. You need caffeine?
Sandie: Really begining to piss me off
me: I blame it on THE HEAT. It's like we have a piece of property on the sun.

This happened in rapid succession. I went out to water my flowers. Cat appears--surprise! then doing the figure 8s around my legs. So much humidity--hair instant bush. Me and cat trying to do the 2-step with 6 legs. If I step on a cat body part he bites at my legs. So I start doing the shuffle. Me doing the 100-year-old shuffle, cat doing figure 8s. Takes 5 minutes to walk from the front door to the hose, a whole big 5 feet from the front door. I think if cat gets food and water in the dish he will leave me alone. NADA. Cat and me haul the hose down the 3 steps to the side yard where I am going to water the flowers. Cat and me back to the spigot to turn on the hose every step taken with his figure-8s around my legs. Dripping wet with sweat from all this activity and 30 minutes later I get the spigot on. Finally decide I have to SQUIRT the cat to get him off me. WORKS! I may buy a "super soaker" and carry it with me at all times. Wonder why my neighbors leave me alone? Goin' now to buy some camo makeup. I'll be ready for the next time I have to OPEN A DOOR....and there stands THE CAT.