I still hate spiders

Since I now live alone I have to do everything for myself unless, of course, I can talk one of the kids or grandkids into helping. Danny came over and took down some paneling and a few ceiling tiles. I had just got a new Shop Vac vaccum and I didn't realize I would have to put the thing together when I got it. So I sit on the floor with all my little pieces parts and 4 hours later got that 30-minute job done. Even the wheels worked! Small potatoes for most but for me it was monumental. Well, a couple days went by and I happened to notice there were spider eggs and webs where the ceiling tile used to be and I thought ya know what, I have this Shop Vac and I'll just use it to vacuum those webs and spider eggs right outta there. I had to find an extension cord because the cord on the vacuum was so short. I plugged it in and got the extra long hose and wand ready, plugged it in and aimed for the ceiling. Now, NOWHERE in the directions do I remember seeing that there were TWO holes for the vacuum, one a sucker-inner and the other a blower-outer. I just ASSUMED everything on a vaccum was a sucker-inner. WRONG. I had it plugged into the blower-outer and spider eggs and webs blew all over the place, including landing on me. Eeewwww, spider eggs touched me. But I learned that I have to check which hole the hose is plugged into on a vacuum before starting it. Baby steps to living alone.

"I Make a Motion That Nae Eat a Peanut...I Second the Motion..Motion Carried..Gavel Down!"

Just as a warning, I must tell you that I am recovering from a stroke and a stream of piss that could have cut glass! And mom is recovering from something that popped in her forehead (stroke) and blowing the back of her britches loose as she laughed so hard I thought she would pass out!

Ya see, it all started a few days ago. I was reading our local newspaper and came across a large section that contained the article about the Graham County Commissioners meeting. As I was reading it, I could see the comedy unfolding before me! So when mom came over for breakfast this morning, I told her she HAD to read this!

Her reaction was just like mine! So let me give you some insight:
This group of commissioners consist of three men, whom I know personally. In fact, mom was eating pancakes with one of them last night! So this makes it even more funny! Anyway, these three men met, and I will have to type exactly what was in the newspaper. (I will not type all of it as that would take too long, but the ones that stood out to mom and I will be what I share. However, note that the rest was pretty much comparable!)
"Graham County Commissioners Met"
"Commissioner Davignon made motion to designate the Hill City Times as the official newspaper for 2011. Commissioner Toll Seconded the motion. Motion carried 3-0."
(The Hill City Times is our ONLY newspaper!)
"Commissioner Toll made motion to designate Citizens State Bank, Farmers and Merchants Bank, and First State Bank
as the official depository for 2011. Commissioner Davignon seconded the motion . Motion carried 3-0."
(Those banks mentioned are the only banks here!)

Mom was laughing so hard! When she came up for air she said "it musta been a mighty slow week for the commissioners. Mimicking the motions that had been made, seconded and carried, she said, "I motion that Renae scratch her nose." I answered, "I second the motion." Mom stamped her fist on the table and said motion was carried!

Well, that got us started and I had to get the camera!! I wanted to video mom doing her rendition of the inner workings of this august body of elected officials. So I got the camera, but before mom could get herself ready for it, she spotted something else in that article that got her laughing. Then mom said "I make a motion Nae eat a peanut. I second the motion. Motion carried 3-0." Then mom said "Nae got a bellyache eating the peanut. I make a motion that she fart big. Motion carried 3-0." We were laughing so hard that in rapid succession mom burped, fell into a hysterical quivering heap on the table, farted loud and long, and then through gasping breaths, said MOTION CARRIED. I don't remember all the details now as I had a major black out! I knew I was gonna pee my pants so I raced to the bathroom, laughing so hard I could not untwine my legs without spraying my pants and walls and whatever else would be in the way! I could still hear mom laughing hard, and I was also laughing very hard, when I heard mom squeak between laughter and flatulence, "Motion carried!" That was it! It will take a week to recover! I was upset that I was not recording this as mom said that no one would believe this happened without a rehearsal.

I am sure that mom will have more to add to this, as I am still in pain and I have laughed uncontrollably while typing this!

Single D Lodging in Hill City, Kansas!
Great hunting, fishing, and beautiful
country side! Check us out for your
next trip to Hill City, Kansas!
https://sites.google.com/site/singledlodging/
Contact us at singledlodging@gmail.com

Trying to get a drivers license in Kansas

Twas time to get my drivers license in Kansas. My daughter said "not a problem, you won't even have to take a test." OK, I fell for that. So on my day off of work I had to drive 1 hour away to Hays because they cannot give me a license where I live. Don't have the computer capability to issue a Kansas license to somebody coming in from another state. I get up, wash my hair and CURL it, made up the old face, put on something decent, and drive the 1 hour. I find the place. I go in with my AL drivers license and the registration from my car and my insurance card. In my nicest voice I announce to the girl asking me what she can do for me that I need my drivers license changed from AL to KS since I just moved to their very fine state. She proceeded to hand me a 10 x 12 piece of paper with 47 pieces of ID listed on it I might need in order to accomplish this feat. Thinking that SURELY she was kidding I asked her "huh?" I could see that no amount of pleading was going to get me a license so I took my made-up face and curled coif and drove the 1 hour back home. I called my daughter (the one who LIED to me) and she asked "So, did ya get your license." "NOPE." "Why not?" "CAUSE THEY WANT 47 PIECES OF ID TO PROVE WHO I AM." I get home. I'm going through box after box of papers to find ID. I had to have my BIRTH CERTIFICATE, my MARRIAGE LICENSE, a current bill sent to my current address with my name on it, a current piece of mail with the yellow sticky on it with my last address on it and my current address on the yellow sticky proving they forwarded my mail, and on and on. OK, I call hubby in AL. "Will you look and see if my birth certificate and our marriage license are there?" He finds the marriage license but not my birth certificate. He has to overnight the marriage license to me but he has to put my daughter's address on it because the post office, in their infinite wisdom, slaps a yellow sticky on anything he sends to me returning it to AL! Eureka, I find my birth certificate in one of the boxes of papers. Time is running out for my license renewal and I have to get this done. Well, it just so happens that the daughter who LIED to me, whose name I won't mention but her initials are RENAE, had to go to Hays to have her social security card changed into her new married name because the college won't accept her social security card and her driver's license, which has been changed to her new name, because they need to match. So, I take half a day off work and she does too and we head 1 hour away to Hays. First place we go is the DMV. I'm better prepared this time. There is an older man helping me this time. I tell him I need to get my driver's license changed to KS from AL. I told him the dilemma last time that I couldn't prove I am who I am with all the other stuff I brought last time so THIS TIME I came prepared. "Here is a current gas bill with my current address on it. Here is a letter from my lawyer with a yellow sticky the post office put on where the lawyer sent it to the correct address in Kansas and the post office in KS screwed up and put a yellow sticky on it with the AL address on it and sent it to AL. Here is a letter from my lawyer that went to AL and the post office in AL put a yellow sticky on it and sent it to KS, and my husband is still in Alabama and they are sending HIS mail to me in KS and he did not send in a change of address form, but I did which, BY THE WAY, cost me ONE DOLLAR on my credit card to do one-line, by the way, what's up with the post office? Here is my birth certificate. Here is my marriage license. Here is my car registration. Here is my car insurance card. Here is my AL drivers license with my picture on it, a very fine picture don't you think? Here is my mother's DEATH CERTIFICATE and my father's obituary." I was ready to give him a bunch of other stuff when I hear a noise behind me and it is Renae, bent over double laughing and snorting at this whole scene. "Mom," she tries to whisper, "don't mention anything about a test." Not to worry, I wasn't going to. I'm about ready to go into all of my other ID material when this guy finally smiles, and I'm sure trying desperately not to laugh, and told me he had enough ID. "Why" I ask "do you not want all the rest of my ID. There are 47 items on this list and I'm just getting warmed up." At this point he tells me he just needs to get me to do an eye test, which I do, and politely forgot to read the last 4 digits on the right-hand side, which this man reminds me of. "Oops, I guess I did forget" . I read them off. I then have to read questions they have written and actually attached to their desk, and answer them aloud, which I did. Then, he says "Do you want to keep the motorcycle license too?" "Huh? Huh? Huh? WHAT motorcycle license?" " You have a motorcycle license and a car license." "Well shut my mouth WIIIDDDEE OPEN. Sure." And Renae is snorting behind me and laughing so hard I think she is going to pass out, at this whole interchange and the thought of me vroom-vrooming on a motorcycle. "OK, that will be about 38 dollars and it is good for 6 years." I start digging in my purse for money. Anybody who knows me will appreciate this. I can never remember where I crammed my money. So of course we start with the wallet. Not an everyday small wallet, mind you, but gargantuan and has at least 2 zippers, a checkbook, a place for pictures, a separate compartment inside for change (and I have probably 15 dollars worth of change in it) and about 15 credit cards. Nope, no money in there. So I hand all this stuff and the wallet to Renae to put back together again while I hunt elsewhere for my money. I know I HAVE money. I finally find my stash in, well I won't tell where, but as I'm digging in this most unusual place for money I look at this man and ask him "Do you have grandchildren?" He said "no but I have children." "Then you know I have to keep hiding any money I have because believe me they look for it." He grinned big. Gave me my change back. Now for the last thing. The dreaded license picture. I'm directed to the seat in front of the camera. He said "OK smile." I start smiling. I smile and smile and smile. I'm getting furrows waiting for the camera. About the time I exaggeratedly lifted the old eyebrows sky high, like is this camera ever going to work, it did. Again, Renae is laughing so hard she cannot walk. That picture got passed to all the workers in there and we all had a good laugh. Now, let's go see what kind of commotion we can cause at the social security office.

Dove Hunting

Dean, Marcus and I are thrilled to go dove hunting, and the sport is now in season! I have been hunting before; deer, turkey, squirrel, duck, goose, rabbit, pheasant, etc! But this was my first time dove hunting! These birds are little and they fly like jet planes!
Dean fixed me up with Marcus' youth model .20 gauge. It fit me to a T! I also inherited Marcus' old dove vest, as he has outgrown everything! And yes, they laugh at me and tell me how short I am. (although I never considered myself short!!!) Anyway, we have been dove hunting every evening for a few weeks now. The evenings are quite beautiful and the doves were plentiful! The first few times out, we went with a crew of guys from Kansas City. Now, Dean is tall, but these guys make him look like a shrimp! When I stand next to these guys, my face is level with their belly! I was a little intimidated being around all these guys, but I tried. I didn't do too good, but I tried.
When our hunting friends left, it was just Dean and I, and I was more comfortable and could shoot better. I finally started bagging me some birds!
The other day, I shot a dove and watched the feathers get blown off it's rear end. It twirly birded down in a field of tall grass. I watched where it landed and kept my eye on that area as I walked towards it. I placed it by a few taller than normal weeds, just in case I lost the sight. I lifted my gun parallel to my shoulders and started to walk quickly towards my mark when I heard something rustling next to me. I figured it was a bird and I didn't want to lose my mark, so I didn't look that way. However, it kept running right alongside me! I began to wonder what it was, so I turned my head to look and it began to move away from me! I never knew what it was! So I continued on my course to my downed bird and found it. In the back of my vest it went.
The sun was setting quickly and we had to gather our booty, count them and clean them. I probably shot 30 shells and I bagged 6 dove! It's the experience though! I was having a ball! Feathers were flying everywhere as I plucked them from the breast of the bird! I had them up my nose and in my hair and stuck to the blood on my hands! It was just about dark when we finished and we bagged up the breasts and loaded everything up and hopped in the pick-up and headed for home. I began to tell Dean about the experience I had in the field. Now you have to know that I moved to Kansas after living in the south for 11 years! I had acquired a slight accent and some colorful language that Dean was not used to. Dean was driving the pick-up, I was in the middle, and Marcus was on the passenger side. I began my story: "The last bird I shot, I took off after it and there was something running alongside me in the grass! I don't know what it was...if it was a bird or a snake or what!" Simultaneously, the two began laughing. At first it was a low laugh...sort of a chuckle. I turned and looked at Dean, who had a big smile on his face as his chuckling became louder. I turned to look at Marcus, and saw the same thing. I asked, "What's so funny?" Dean answered, "I've never seen a snake run before!" I told them both that I use colorful language!! I do believe they get a kick out of me!

The "Honeymoon"!

I never thought I would get married again! After the long 16 year fiasco with a cheating retard, I was determined to remain single and remain happy. Ya think? I was in such a depression it wasn't funny. I was terribly sad and pitiful. So after 5 years of singleness, I was pursued by a hog farmer. He is 10 years older than me and he is a big guy! (not fat!) Anyway, we decided to get married in June and then take a week honeymoon at Lake Vallecito, Colorado, in July. It was a glorified fishing trip! Right up both of our alleys!
The drive was beautiful. Mapquest said that it would be almost 13 hours of driving.....we made it in ten flat! Guess who was driving?? HAHA! Really, we just didn't stop except for gas! Every time we passed a putt-putt golf course, I would excitedly ask Dean if he wanted to stop and play. He simply said, in his deep voice, "PASS." That made me giggle.
So we pull up to our "Modern" cabin in the woods and boy were we glad to finally get out of the car! We paid our bill, got the key and proceeded to go into our "Modern" cabin in the woods. When we opened the door, a very hot, stale blast of air welcomed us! We went in to turn on the air conditioner in this "Modern" cabin......in the woods. Dean and I both turned the heater off and on and off and on and no air conditioner came on! We looked at each other in dismay...and serious desperation, and realized this was definitely NOT a "Modern" cabin...in the stinking woods! Who ever heard of NOT having an air conditioner for vacationers???
Dean took off outside to walk around the cabin....but he did not find anything sticking out of a window that resembled an air conditioner! Our next course of action was to locate a fan! In the bedroom closet there was a fan the size of Deans hand. He pulled it out, plugged it in, and watched it as it vibrated loudly across the table! It would not remain in one spot! The sweat began to drip wildly from the vein that popped out on Deans forehead! I wiped the sweat out from under my boobs and headed towards the front door and told Dean, "No worries! I have a plan!"
I took a walk and eyeballed a few box fans that could easily be stolen with the pop of a window screen, but the easiest plan was to steal the box fan from the laundry room. I returned to the cabin and explained my plan to my hubby. I told him that in a little while, when the sun goes down, I will steal the fan in the cover of darkness! He smiled, grabbed my hand, took me to the laundry room, unplugged the fan and we both carried it back to the cabin! I, of course, was giggling, and Dean said with a deep giggle, "You need to stop giggling! You're going to give us away!" Well, my giggling was due to the fact that I found my perfect match! Dean and I are alike in almost every way!

Conversation with Sandie

me: BUT THE CAT CAME BACK the very next day, he is trying to break my hip, and he won't stay away.
Sent at 8:32 AM on Sunday
me: Hey, are you alive yet?
Sent at 9:04 AM on Sunday
Sandie: Sorta
Sent at 9:29 AM on Sunday
me: Kim said you've been sick. Can you believe that CAT? I squirted it with the hose to get it off me.
Sent at 9:32 AM on Sunday
Sandie: What are you talking about? What cat? I think thyroid medication isnt right making me feel like shit.
me: The one we threw out by Mary's house by Dean's house.
It's baaaccccckkkkkkk
Sandie: I have absoluteLy no energy. Hurts to move
I have absoluteLy no energy. Hurts to move
me: That shouldn't be thyroid medication doing it.
You've been overdoing it moving the house around.
AND MY FAVORITE! It's the CAT'S FAULT.
Sandie: Why tell me these terrible things before I have coffee
me: You haven't had coffee yet?
Wanna come over, mine is still hot.
Sandie: I think it is too much medicine. ThaT won't do it
I think it is too much medicine. ThaT won't do it
Sent at 9:38 AM on Sunday
Sandie: Put the cat in that cage. I will take the thing to hays.
me: It is a 'MAGIC' cat. Disappears and reappears.....
If we shipped it to CHINA it would swim back.
Sandie: I hate animals
me: I know.
I don't hate it. It just does continuous figure-8s around my legs.
And bites me if I stop on any of its parts.
step
Sandie: That is bad
me: Didn't want food or water. Just my legs as an obstacle course this morning.
Sandie: It has to go
Do you have any coffee
me: I told you my coffee is still hot, come on over.
If you want cream ya gotta bring some.
Sandie: I didn't see that
me: open thine eyes
Sandie: It hurts
I will give grace her meds then be over
me: k
Sent at 9:45 AM on Sunday
me: This cat takes a circuitous route. I believe it has a GPS system embedded in its brain.
I'm checking my legs for magnets that aliens may have implanted.
To help the cat find its way back.
Sandie: Kick it so it flies out his ass
me: LMBO
Sandie: Ok granny
me: Thought you'd pick up on the subtlies there.
I did SQUIRT it with the hose. Only way to get it off me this morning.
Sandie: Terrible headache already
me: I'm sorry. You need caffeine?
Sandie: Really begining to piss me off
me: I blame it on THE HEAT. It's like we have a piece of property on the sun.

This happened in rapid succession. I went out to water my flowers. Cat appears--surprise! then doing the figure 8s around my legs. So much humidity--hair instant bush. Me and cat trying to do the 2-step with 6 legs. If I step on a cat body part he bites at my legs. So I start doing the shuffle. Me doing the 100-year-old shuffle, cat doing figure 8s. Takes 5 minutes to walk from the front door to the hose, a whole big 5 feet from the front door. I think if cat gets food and water in the dish he will leave me alone. NADA. Cat and me haul the hose down the 3 steps to the side yard where I am going to water the flowers. Cat and me back to the spigot to turn on the hose every step taken with his figure-8s around my legs. Dripping wet with sweat from all this activity and 30 minutes later I get the spigot on. Finally decide I have to SQUIRT the cat to get him off me. WORKS! I may buy a "super soaker" and carry it with me at all times. Wonder why my neighbors leave me alone? Goin' now to buy some camo makeup. I'll be ready for the next time I have to OPEN A DOOR....and there stands THE CAT.