As I've said before, I live in the deep south where we have TWO seasons: January and summer. Well it is January and I'm itching to do something in the yard. So 2 days ago, Sunday afternoon, I went outside to pick up a few branches and other tree debris in the yard to spruce up a little. Hauled it all to the curb for the trash man to pick up. I decided to take a break and go out in the back 40 to see what all needs doing out there. My neighbor's little dog, Blackie, hopped his fence and decided to explore the back yard with me. I was grateful for the company, because I didn't have my what-if-I-see-a-snake clothes/shoes on, and I didn't have my booming bar with me, and Blackie has teeth. Blackie looks like a miniature version of a Doberman. After we looked around in the back 40, we both came back up the hill and I began picking up some branches and tree debris. I hauled that bunch to the curb and when I turned around there was Blackie with a branch in his teeth and he hauled it to the curb and put it with my pile. What a good doggie! Too cute.
Fast forward to Tuesday. My hip has been hurting mainly because I sit like a big jabba-the-hut slug in this chair working all day and walking helps it. So I've been taking a few breaks lately. The daffodils are up, some are budding, some are blooming. I tried to move them last summer to the side of the house from the front of the house but didn't quite get the job done. Now that they are all coming up I decided I might lose a few blooms, but maybe if I just dig up whole clumps of them and move them in clumps with plenty of dirt around the bulbs to their new resting place perhaps they will still bloom. Only thing is, the shovels were all in the shed. I didn't feel like trying to get down the slippery slope to get to the shed, and I knew the back gate was locked, and I had about 10 minutes to do anything and get back to work. I had a hand trowel in the house and thought well, if I only dig up and move one clump at least I did that much. So I came in the house and got the trowel, and headed back out. I moved a couple of individual daffodils and then came back for the clump that probably had 30 bulbs in it. Yes, they rewarded me for not moving them last summer by getting religious. They were fruitful and multiplied. I am trying to get the clump out without disturbing the bulbs. They are about 8 inches deep in the ground and I'm having to move the mulch away from them and then start digging. It was a workout with that trowel. I was bent over, with my backside toward the street, and I had about three-quarters of the circumference of that daffodil clump dug out when Blackie, silent and unbenownst to me, stuck his nose in the crack of my butt. So now I had no choice but to go to the shed to get the ladder to get those daffodils off the roof.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
She Wasn't Kidding About Iggy, However........
Here's a picture of our Iguana, Jigsaw/Iggy. He was about 5 years old in this picture and was quite large. Mother came to visit us for the summer and ended up staying longer due to terrible air quality in her city due to Florida being on fire! Mom brought her work with her and had a nice set-up in my family room, but she insisted that Iggy be caged, though I don't know why. We bought Iggy a nice big dog cage, but he could get his head through the bars. Mother did not like this, so every time his head poked through the bars, she used the broom to push him back into the cage.I was an assistant manager at Dollar General and was the only one there this particular day. I was extremely busy at the register with a line of customers when the phone rang. I answered with my usual, "Thank you for calling Dollar General, how may I help you?" Mind you, I have customers I am checking out, when I hear this voice on the phone say, "We got us a sit-chee-a-shun here!" I was confused and didn't know who it was, so I said, "What?" "I say-ed, we got us a sit-chee-a-shun here!" I then realized that it was my mother. I know that when I busted up laughing, I blew spit towards the customer in front of me! The lady looked at me like I was crazy!
I asked my mother what was happening and she said that Iggy made it COMPLETELY out of the cage! I could hear the fear in her voice. This made me laugh harder! She was outside standing on my porch, afraid to go back into the house!!
After I caught my breath, I continued to check my customers out, phone on shoulder, while I told my mother to get the broom, open my daughters room and shoo him in there, as that was one of his favorite places. So I hear her get the broom and I heard her shooing Iggy to the room, and I heard her say, "Oh, hey, this is working. He's going quite easily into........AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa
(screaming bloody murder fading into the distance)aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."
"MOM??????" I scream on the phone. "MOM? Are you there??????MOM???????What's happening?????" By this time, my customers are keenly interested in what's going on and if mom is okay. I told them she was babysitting my dinosaur and it got loose and she was trying to broom it into a bedroom when all I heard was screaming! You should have seen the looks I got!!!!
I know I was on that phone for 5 minutes with no noise from the other end. Finally I heard my all out of breath mother pick up the phone and say that she was okay, but that while shooing Iggy, he turned around, gave her the "evil eye" and came at her! That was it for me. I was laughing so hard that I was crying, bent over double, can't explain nothing to my customers, can't hold a conversation with my mother, drooling, snorting, hurting!!!!!! We all survived though. But mom made us cover up Iggy's cage with a heavy blanket when I went to work. :-)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
MY FRIEND WANTS TO GO HUNTING
I have a friend who had never been an outdoorsy type person. As a matter of fact, he was an opera singer and music teacher. So, I invited him and his wife to go camping with us. They loved it. They enjoyed the camping and the fishing so much he decided he wanted to learn to hunt. But he didn't want to start off hunting rabbit or squirrel. NO SIR. He wanted to hunt BEAR with a bow and arrow! After all, it was more sporting that way. I told him he should talk to some of the older hunters and get pointers but he said absolutely not, that anybody who knows anything about any subject would have written a book and so off to the library he went. First thing he did after reading his book was purchase a compound bow. Then he bought a couple bales of hay and put a bulls eye on it so he could practice. Practiced faithfully all summer. Bought some kind of stuff that smelled like pee in a bottle. Bought camoflauge clothes. Had his wife wash them several times in plain water and hung them out on the line for over a week so they smelled like the great outdoors. Finally the time came for him to hunt. Took his brother-in-law with him. Set out in a testosterone rush. Saw a little black bear a couple hills over from where he was, pooped his pants, and climbed a tree. His wife said he brought his clothes home in a trash bag for her to wash. She threw them away. I didn't have the heart to tell him that bears can climb trees!
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL WITH IGGY
For some reason my oldest daughter and her children love animals. WEIRD animals. Snakes, turtles, tarantulas, and iguanas. They also have cats and a dog. But we will concentrate only on the iguana at the moment. Grandson brings home this little iguana. Named him Jigsaw. Everybody else called him Iggy. I cannot put in print what I called him. Every weekend when I went to their house Iggy got a little bigger. The daughter has enough hair for 14 people and this Iggy loved her hair. One weekend she told me to watch because she had taught Iggy a new trick. There was a window air conditioner unit in the kitchen. She would stand about 6 feet away from it with Iggy in her hair and Iggy would jump to the air conditioner. And then when he got tired of the view from the air conditioner, she would lower her head and he'd jump back in her hair. Yeah, yeah, good trick, now put him away. They usually let Iggy have the run of the house. He would climb to the top of the living room curtains and just stare at me with that evil eye. As long as he stayed on the top of the curtains and away from me we could remain civil to one another. They neglected to tell me that now Iggy was taking showers with them and he loved the hot water.
Since I lived 30 minutes away from them, and being stuck in rush hour traffic in a big city, I usually had to run to the potty as soon as I got there (curse of drinking too much coffee). This day was no different EXCEPT.....
There had been an accident on the highway which added an hour to my drive to get to their house, which caused a greater sense of urgency, so when I got there I made a mad dash to the bathroom. Barely made it. Made a perfect 3-point landing on the commode when I caught something out of the corner of my eye. It was IGGY, in mid-flight, from the top of the shower curtain rod aiming for my hair. All I saw was his under belly and arms and legs and tail waving wildly as he flew through the air. Landed in my hair. The things that went on in that 30 seconds caused them to have to remodel their bathroom, get a new shower curtain and a new shower curtain rod, replace the toilet paper holder and the towel rack, and caused my grandson to build a new piece of furniture to house the iguana. When I made it out of the bathroom there was my daughter and her 3 children all in a lump outside the bathroom door laughing hysterically, even though I was wearing my mad face.
Use Your Imagination!
I am almost 38 years old, I am a Paraprofessional in the Special Education Department of a High School in a small town. I have 2 kids in this High School also. One is a freshman, the other a Senior. Our first class in the morning is Physical Education. All three of us! I am the Aide for a handful of students, my daughter is an Aide for the teacher, and it is the Freshman class my son is in. Okay, so we are learning the moves of Tae Bo to burn the fat off our butts! Picture this: my daughter and I are standing next to us in our Tae Bo position, my son is on the other side of the room in his Tae Bo position. We are all supposed to be working on our right side, but either my daughter or myself was doing it opposite. We are to squat, lift our arms, and side punch. Well, we side punched all right. My daughter and I side punched each other!
As we continued on, we were supposed to go slowly through the moves, then pick up the pace. My 38 year old leg ain't like it used to be! It was like weight lifting! I am sure once I get the hang of the moves I will be burning some major fat off my bones! Smokin' even!
In this squat position I could feel the burn! I didn't even have to move or do any exercises! Just SQUAT! After class was done the teacher didn't say too much to me! But I am looking forward to another workout! I would like to turn these 38 year old legs into 28 year old legs!!!
As we continued on, we were supposed to go slowly through the moves, then pick up the pace. My 38 year old leg ain't like it used to be! It was like weight lifting! I am sure once I get the hang of the moves I will be burning some major fat off my bones! Smokin' even!
In this squat position I could feel the burn! I didn't even have to move or do any exercises! Just SQUAT! After class was done the teacher didn't say too much to me! But I am looking forward to another workout! I would like to turn these 38 year old legs into 28 year old legs!!!
Lunch With My Sister
I recently was invited to my sisters house for lunch, and she made hamburgers, fries and I can't remember what else. Oh yeah, green beans! It smelled so good in her house when I walked in. We both kid around all the time about how old we are getting and how we have the curse of our granny and our mother working against us! Every time we are together, something comes out of our mouth exactly like it would from our granny or mother, which is always comical!
As my sister was removing the hamburgers from the pan, she asked me if I wanted a bun and cheese. "Of course!" I exclaimed. A hingleber isn't a hingleber unless it's a chingleber on white bread! So she put the bottom of the bun on a plate for me and scooped a perfect hamburger onto it. However, she started looking around as if she lost something. Then she frustratingly asked, "Where'd I put the lid!?" (the top of the bun!)
As my sister was removing the hamburgers from the pan, she asked me if I wanted a bun and cheese. "Of course!" I exclaimed. A hingleber isn't a hingleber unless it's a chingleber on white bread! So she put the bottom of the bun on a plate for me and scooped a perfect hamburger onto it. However, she started looking around as if she lost something. Then she frustratingly asked, "Where'd I put the lid!?" (the top of the bun!)
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Girl with her own gravity.
I knew Michael for about a month, before I got to meet his Grandmother. The first time I had met her, we met her and his family at IHOP. We made it through breakfast, somehow- I was extremely nervous. It was time to pay for our meals and go our seperate ways. As Grandma was digging through her suitcase to get money for the check, she noticed a rather large girl sitting in the corner with her large family. When I say large, I mean 300 pounds, 4 year old, large. I can't remember for the life of me what the huge girl was doing, but just as Grandma opened her mouth, and these words started flowing out, the Hippo Family was staring. And her mouth opens.... "My god, that girl has her own gravity!" In slow motion, the heads turn. The next words that come out Grandma's mouth are...
"Check Please!"
"Check Please!"
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The Cicada (big eyed bug that screams in tree's)
For the life of me, I do not remember why my oldest son, who at that time was about 11 years old, was grounded and not allowed to go outside. He sat with me in the kitchen as I was preparing lunch when the phone rang. It was my mother. The area I was standing was at the top of the stairs that led to the laundry room downstairs, and there was a fence type railing to hold on to as you went downstairs. My phone was a wall phone with only so much cord, so I couldn't go far.
As I was carrying on a lively conversation with my mother, my son was looking out the window over the sink and noticed a rather large bug clinging to the screen of our deck. He became quite excited about it and was trying to get my attention to show me. I went as far as my phone cord would allow me to go to see the beast. My son went for the door and I hollered at him not to go out there because he was grounded. He went back to the window to watch this bug. The longer he looked, the more desirous it became to go outside and get a closer look. So, as I was deep into conversation and cooking lunch, he proceeded to sneak out the back door. I happened to look at the window just in time to see my son out on the deck, almost nose to nose with a big, ugly cicada, when the thing started to screech and fly at him, and his eyes bugged out, his screaching was louder than the cicada, and they both went in opposite directions! The cicada tried to fly out the door of the deck, which failed, and my son ran to the screen door, unable to open it because of sheer fright, so he tried to dig his way through it, all the time with the look of sheer fright and screaming louder than a tornado siren! There was nothing I could do! I was laughing so hard that I dropped the phone and was hanging with all my might onto the railing at the top of the stairs! This moment felt like it lasted about 10 minutes! Poor mom probably thought something terrible was happening, but when I was able to get back on the phone, I told her the whole story, laughing something terrible through it! I bet my son will listen to me next time I tell him to view a bug from the safety of inside the house!
As I was carrying on a lively conversation with my mother, my son was looking out the window over the sink and noticed a rather large bug clinging to the screen of our deck. He became quite excited about it and was trying to get my attention to show me. I went as far as my phone cord would allow me to go to see the beast. My son went for the door and I hollered at him not to go out there because he was grounded. He went back to the window to watch this bug. The longer he looked, the more desirous it became to go outside and get a closer look. So, as I was deep into conversation and cooking lunch, he proceeded to sneak out the back door. I happened to look at the window just in time to see my son out on the deck, almost nose to nose with a big, ugly cicada, when the thing started to screech and fly at him, and his eyes bugged out, his screaching was louder than the cicada, and they both went in opposite directions! The cicada tried to fly out the door of the deck, which failed, and my son ran to the screen door, unable to open it because of sheer fright, so he tried to dig his way through it, all the time with the look of sheer fright and screaming louder than a tornado siren! There was nothing I could do! I was laughing so hard that I dropped the phone and was hanging with all my might onto the railing at the top of the stairs! This moment felt like it lasted about 10 minutes! Poor mom probably thought something terrible was happening, but when I was able to get back on the phone, I told her the whole story, laughing something terrible through it! I bet my son will listen to me next time I tell him to view a bug from the safety of inside the house!
PANDERING TO VANITY
Several years ago I received a pamphlet in the mail from a company that sold HGH, or human growth hormone, in pill form. It would make me return to my youth. Sounded like a plan. With hope springing eternal, I ordered this stuff, which cost a small fortune, and took it for a month. Guess what. Didn't help at all. I fully expected to wake up at the end of 30 days saying things like "ga-ga, goo-goo." Didn't even make me feel or look 30 days younger, much less back to I'm only 9 months old. But because I was on their mailing list I continued to receive catalogs. One day I got one of their catalogs. An entire catalog devoted to their newest product, which I cannot even remember the name of. But there was a beautiful young woman on the front of this catalog with words similar to the following in big, bold letters. WANT TO LOOK 20 YEARS YOUNGER? WANT YOUR LINES AND WRINKLES TO DISAPPEAR? OK, that got my attention. Sure, who wouldn't want to look 35 instead of 55 and more like a beautiful young woman than a Shar-pei? As I'm reading about this miracle, they described something about it going around your eyes and it would erase all those lines and wrinkles and make you so beautiful why you'd turn the heads of all around you (OK so I might have added the last few words). They gave the impression that the star of the current popular movie had used something similar to this in the movie. I don't think they used her name or the name of the movie, but I got the point. It just so happened that the weekend before I got this catalog in the mail I watched Miss Congeniality with my daughter and grandchildren. So I knew for a fact that she used HEMORRHOID CREAM around her eyes. I also had read an article about one of the popular country singers who said she also used hemorrhoid cream around her eyes and had done so for years and thought everybody knew about that. So after I read this entire catalog, for only 29.99 you could get this miniscule tube of the miracle line and wrinkle remover which would make you so beautiful you would turn the heads of all around you while they watched you return to your youth.
Now, I asked myself, why in the world would I want to pay 29.99 for this itty bitty tube of STUFF, when I have a huge tube of generic Preparation H that was less than 5 bucks from Wal-Mart in the bathroom. One never knows when one will sprout hemorrhoids, best to be prepared. Heck, if it was good enough for Sandra Bullock to use in her movie, it was good enough for me. Why, maybe if I use this I'll be as beautiful as Sandra Bullock. So, with visions (delusions) of being as beautiful as Sandra Bullock, I go into the bathroom and find my huge economy-size tube of generic hemorrhoid cream. Ever see hemorrhoid cream? I don't know how many people have ever actually seen the stuff. I mean, it comes with an accessory tube full of holes for you to access the nether regions and since that is usually where it goes, who would have actually LOOKED at what was coming out of the tube. Let me tell ya, it looks like Vaseline meets super glue, so it must be powerful good stuff. I'm excited.
I dab a little around my eyes. But what about those cheek lines and the deep furrows from my nose down to the chin that made me look a cross between Fred Flinstone and the above-mentioned Sharp-Pei? Is there any difference in the skin around my eyes from the skin on the rest of my face? Is there some magic skin divider from eye skin to the rest of face skin? I pondered this question while carefully studing my face in the magnifying mirror, and because I could see no difference in this skin, decided to put the cream all over my face. After all, it could sure use a good puckering. And if a little bit would help out, SURELY more is better! So I slathered my entire face with about 1/4 inch of hemorrhoid cream. Then I took a good look in the mirror. Ever see the trail a slug makes? Now normally my husband sleeps until the crack of noon and I would have had this off my face before he ever made land fall. But in an uncharacteristic gesture the man got up shortly after I had the face covered. I was already back to work, since I can type and have face goo on at the same time. When he came into the office he asked me what I had on my face. Well, I wasn't going to own up to it being butt cream because I was trying to spare myself the crude jokes that were surely to come. But he said so many things anyway (just try to shut him up) I decided to go ahead and wipe this off my face. And that is where the problem came in. I used a hand full of tissues and they stuck fast to my face. I then used paper towels to try to get it off. They stuck to the parts of my face that weren't stuck with the little balls of left over tissue. I looked like a half-finished paper mache project. I went outside (to get away from his hysterical laughter) and gnats stuck to my face. I thought I was going to have to use a steel wool pad to get this off my face. Finally, after using hot water and instrustrial-strength shampoo, I was able to get the gnats, tissue, and paper towels off my face, but not all the hemorrhoid cream would melt off. Took about 3 days for me to get that completely off. And guess what, I still looked like Fred Flintstone meets Shar-Pei. My husband said it was okay, I was ugly when he married me.
Now, I asked myself, why in the world would I want to pay 29.99 for this itty bitty tube of STUFF, when I have a huge tube of generic Preparation H that was less than 5 bucks from Wal-Mart in the bathroom. One never knows when one will sprout hemorrhoids, best to be prepared. Heck, if it was good enough for Sandra Bullock to use in her movie, it was good enough for me. Why, maybe if I use this I'll be as beautiful as Sandra Bullock. So, with visions (delusions) of being as beautiful as Sandra Bullock, I go into the bathroom and find my huge economy-size tube of generic hemorrhoid cream. Ever see hemorrhoid cream? I don't know how many people have ever actually seen the stuff. I mean, it comes with an accessory tube full of holes for you to access the nether regions and since that is usually where it goes, who would have actually LOOKED at what was coming out of the tube. Let me tell ya, it looks like Vaseline meets super glue, so it must be powerful good stuff. I'm excited.
I dab a little around my eyes. But what about those cheek lines and the deep furrows from my nose down to the chin that made me look a cross between Fred Flinstone and the above-mentioned Sharp-Pei? Is there any difference in the skin around my eyes from the skin on the rest of my face? Is there some magic skin divider from eye skin to the rest of face skin? I pondered this question while carefully studing my face in the magnifying mirror, and because I could see no difference in this skin, decided to put the cream all over my face. After all, it could sure use a good puckering. And if a little bit would help out, SURELY more is better! So I slathered my entire face with about 1/4 inch of hemorrhoid cream. Then I took a good look in the mirror. Ever see the trail a slug makes? Now normally my husband sleeps until the crack of noon and I would have had this off my face before he ever made land fall. But in an uncharacteristic gesture the man got up shortly after I had the face covered. I was already back to work, since I can type and have face goo on at the same time. When he came into the office he asked me what I had on my face. Well, I wasn't going to own up to it being butt cream because I was trying to spare myself the crude jokes that were surely to come. But he said so many things anyway (just try to shut him up) I decided to go ahead and wipe this off my face. And that is where the problem came in. I used a hand full of tissues and they stuck fast to my face. I then used paper towels to try to get it off. They stuck to the parts of my face that weren't stuck with the little balls of left over tissue. I looked like a half-finished paper mache project. I went outside (to get away from his hysterical laughter) and gnats stuck to my face. I thought I was going to have to use a steel wool pad to get this off my face. Finally, after using hot water and instrustrial-strength shampoo, I was able to get the gnats, tissue, and paper towels off my face, but not all the hemorrhoid cream would melt off. Took about 3 days for me to get that completely off. And guess what, I still looked like Fred Flintstone meets Shar-Pei. My husband said it was okay, I was ugly when he married me.
THE SPIDER INCIDENT
Don't know about anybody else, but I HATE spiders. I had just poured my first cup of desperately needed coffee and came into my office to get started for the day. I was just taking the first swig of coffee as I was waiting for the computer to boot up when I felt something land in my hair. It was one of those little black jumping spiders. The following happened in rapid sequence.
I will be needing a new desk and an orthopedic consult. Didn't need that coffee cup anyway. Coffee stains can be washed off the blinds, walls, and ceiling. You can buy new wheels for the chair. Good thing I was wearing an old tee shirt and shorts. Can only guess at what velocity that spider was traveling when it became embedded in the wall. Didn't know my arms and legs could move like that. Don't need a cardiac appointment, heart just fine.
I will be needing a new desk and an orthopedic consult. Didn't need that coffee cup anyway. Coffee stains can be washed off the blinds, walls, and ceiling. You can buy new wheels for the chair. Good thing I was wearing an old tee shirt and shorts. Can only guess at what velocity that spider was traveling when it became embedded in the wall. Didn't know my arms and legs could move like that. Don't need a cardiac appointment, heart just fine.
THE BIGGEST FISH STORY
Many, many years ago I worked in a community hospital in Michigan. There was a man who worked in maintenance and was, quite frankly, a blow-hard. Didn't matter where you went, what you did, he did it and it was bigger and better and he was an expert on it. Most of the time his bragging went in one ear and out the other, but one day when the cafeteria was crowded and the only place left to sit was at the "big table" which is where this fella was sitting. There were several people at the table, I'm thinking about 15, and someone mentioned fishing. Well, fishing was just something I happened to know a little bit about because that was what we did for fun, camp and fish. Why, my children CUT THEIR TEETH ON A FISHING ROD. So as this guy was telling about how he fished, what he used for bait, how big his fish were, I listened intently. Some of the guys at the table were discussing fishing. Now you have to understand that I weighed about 98 pounds soaking wet at the time and as this guy was telling the size of his fish (and they were growing exponentially as he continued with his story), I chimed in and said that I fish, too. CONVERSATION STOPPED. This guy and everybody else looked at me like I was lying. Then he asked me the size of the biggest fish I ever caught. I told him 3 inches. Oh the laughter. So I said what was the biggest fish you ever caught? And he said something like 25 inches. By now he is really bragging and making fun of me. So I asked him how he measured his fish. He said from the tip of its nose to the end of its tail. He is so blown up from pride at this point the buttons on his shirt are about to pop. I looked at him and said oh, well I measure my fish BETWEEN THE EYES. Everybody was laughing and this guy got MAD and left the table. I win.
TELEMARKETERS FOR LONG DISTANCE
I work at home and need my internet provider to actually be providing, wait for it, THE INTERNET SERVICE. Since I pay for 5 telephones AND THE INTERNET the only phones with all the bells and whistles on them are the 3 cell phones. I did not have caller ID on the two land lines. One of those lines I'm on 8 hours or more per day and the other one has a fax machine attached to it. This worked really well as anybody who would need to reach me knows to talk through the fax tones and I will pick up, until I had a problem with CHARTER, my internet service. For some very good reasons, like if it is raining, if the sun is shining, if it is cloudy, if a squirrel burps toward the line, Charter will go down. I can't work if Charter goes down and if I can't work I can't pay my Charter bill, etc. So, as I had a call in for service with Charter I had to answer the phone without it going to the fax machine. I was not in a good mood this morning and after the phone call I received from what sounded like a Chinese woman who was so very concerned about my LD carrier I sent the following email to my children. Well, I have to be answering the phone because Charter calls every so often. And their policy is that the technician will call twice and if he doesn't get an answer he will cancel the appointment. I already figure I'll be on U tube from the phone call to Charter this morning, and I'm not in a good mood at all, I cannot stand that Charter, who I pay handsomely every month, is in control of my pay right now, so when I answered and this little pushy oriental woman wanted to discuss my long distance carrier, well...., let's just say she got mad and hung up on me. I finally had to tell her she was stupid. "For just a 5 dollar flat fee, plus taxes and interest, you can have unlimited long distance for only 5 cents a minute anywhere in the United States." "Lady, my LD carrier only charges me 5 cents a minute and only if I actually make a LD call, and no flat 5 bucks a month for it." "Yes, but right now you have 2 LD carriers and we can do it for only 5 dollars a month plus taxes and interest and only 5 cents a minute anywhere in the United States." "Lady, I don't USE LD, I use my cell phones for any LD." "Yes, but right now you have 2 LD carriers and for only 5 dollars a month plus taxes and interest and only 5 cents a minute you can call anywhere in the United States." "Lady, why would I want to pay a flat 5 dollars a month plus taxes and fees for a service I don't use, why don't YOU send ME a check for 5 dollars a month plus taxes and fees for a service I will not provide to you. I think that's a pregnant idea." "But for only 5 dollars a month plus taxes and fees you can call anywhere in the United States for only 5 cents a minute." "Lady, you are stupid and I'm not." And then I heard a click. Shudda just used Ricky's standard answer. NO! click. I'm thinking I should record these idiots who call and put them on U tube myself. Don't catch mamma on a bad day! Love you, Mom And now you know why I have all the bells and whistles on that phone, with the most important being CALLER ID.
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Friday, January 9, 2009
Atkins Commercial
Our imaginations are endless, and scary! We were determined to lose weight on the Atkins Diet, and we were going to document everything. We learned that Atkins had some yummy diet bars we could enjoy. When we went shopping for them, there were other brands of bars there too that we decided to buy and compare the tastes. By the time we got home, we had a Walmart grocery bag FULL of protein bars. We set the table with crystal wine glasses, moms idear to "cleanse the palate"between bites. Now, you have to know mom. She tries so hard to come across polished and proper, but we know the truth! However, the faces she makes, as a proper snobby type with her nose in the air and a serious look on her face, just cracked me up! My children had the camcorder on as we introduced each protein bar. We would cut two bite size pieces out of it and try it at the same time. Some were good and some were downright awful! I distinctly remember one that mom said she wouldn't feed to inmates! Not even with mustard on it! And another one she said tasted like bellybutton! Most of them were tasty. But between bites we would cleanse the palate. Mom had an extremely gooey one in her mouth when she said, "And now... we shall cleanse the palate," and as she lifted the glass to her face, she was making a face using her tongue to get some of the sticky goo off her teeth, and then took a sip of water. When her mouth was good and full, she started swishing so hard it sounded like a washing machine on high spin! Then she rolled her lips under, showing the whites of her front teeth as she swished! A few bites later, she tried to sip her water the same way but she noticed everyone looking at her after she took her sip, and as she started to swish she started to laugh and sort of choke, and all that water shot out of her nose!! And yes, we do have this on tape!!!! It is taking me long to type this because I am laughing so hard I am crying and can't see to type!
Another Weight Loss Moment
Mom and I were talking about how we could tell when we were losing weight. I noticed that my face got thinner. She noticed that her shoes got big on her. Well, one day while shopping at Walmart, she told me that she can tell when we've lost a good amount of weight because the two bones, I believe the collar bones, stick out. So I pulled my shirt out and asked her if they were sticking out. As I did this, a man came up behind her not knowing what we were talking about, and she looked down my shirt and said, "Yeah, I see two bumps!" The look on the mans face was priceless! Mom and I busted up!!! We seem to have no problem looking or sounding crazy anywhere we go!!!
Atkins Diet
Shopping for Atkins friendly food was enjoyable with my mother. There wasn't a whole lot of snacks we could have on Atkins, but fried pork skins became a favorite. However, when we first opened up a bag of them, they stunk to high heaven! Mom and I quickly nick-named them fried farts! One day while grocery shopping, I was walking behind mom, but turned away to look at something. She started reaching for a bag of pork skins and loudly asked, "Should we get a bag of fried farts?" She turned around to see some middle aged man looking at her funny, and I died laughing!
THE LIZARD INCIDENT
Here in the south where I live the ground is so fertile if you drop a marshmallow the next morning it will have grown into a tree. It is a wonderful place to grow your own groceries. But, as I've said in an earlier post, we have a squirrel and rabbit problem. The squirrels here will start stealing your tomatoes just as they are turning pink, take a bite, throw it on the ground, and go to the next. Needless to say I'm not fond of squirrels, but I figured I was SMARTER than they are. So I asked my husband to make some planter boxes that could have chicken wire cages around them. Always up for a challenge he started making plans straight away. Within a few days I had my "critter outwitters." They were 4 ft x 4 ft square wooden boxes. The boxes were about 10 inches tall and the frames were made of wood and chicken wire, about 4 feet tall. There was even a chicken wire frame for the top. These were very nice and I was impressed. We filled them full of soil and set out our plants. Only problem was he put the boxes in front of the fence. When the maters and peppers started getting taller the acorns and pecans and various other seeds deposited by squirrels and birds started to grow on the other side of that fence and were shading my veges, so those trees had to go. Problem here. The fence sits about 1 foot from the edge of a wall that is probably 7 feet tall. No way could I get on the other side of the fence to cut those trees. So, as is the custom with my husband, in my time of need he was taking a nap on the couch, and I grabbed the loppers to at least cut the top branches off those trees so my veges could get the sunshine they need. Was probably 98 to 100 degrees out that afternoon. I was in my long britches, white socks and tennis shoes. I took the top off of one of the planters so I could stand on the edge of it to cut the branches. The side of the planter was probably 3 inches wide. I am balancing on the 3 inches of that planter on my right foot, and as I raised my loppers up over my head (I'm as round as I am tall) I found just the right spot where I could cut that trunk and get about 8 feet of tree and several branches in one fell swoop. As I started to lop that trunk, my left leg naturally came out to the side to help balance the bod and that is when I saw THE LIZARD. He was on my sock looking up my britches leg. About that time the 8 feet of tree fell on me (skinny trunk) and I am covered in this tree and its branches. Now you just have to imagine this part to truly appreciate it. I start kicking my left leg at warp speed in this 98 degree heat, balancing on a 3-inch wide piece of wood about 10 inches off the ground, almost completely covered in this tree and that LIZARD dug into my sock with every toe he had and held on for what I am sure was the wildest ride of his life. When I was totally exhausted and had no choice but to put that leg down, I figured I was just going to come out of my britches in broad daylight in full view of the neighbors because that lizard would be heading for places I didn't want him to become familiar with, but the lizard jumped off my sock and went in the opposite direction as fast as he could. I don't know if I looked like Miss Piggy pirouetting on a balance beam, or a tree having a convulsion, but I can honestly tell you that from that day on I tuck my pants into my socks when I go out in the yard.
My Mother Nearly Killed Me at Walmart
It was a comfortable December day when we visited Walmart. My mother hadn't been out for a while due to a nasty cold, but she was feeling better, except for a nagging cough. As we walked through the automatic doors and was greeted by the greeter, mom informed me that she needed to go to the bathroom. I followed her but I waited outside the bathroom because it was very busy in there. I do believe it was either the day before Christmas, or the day after Christmas. Needless to say, there seem to be millions of people in this store.
I was waiting right outside the bathroom door for mom to come out, and she did..... walking quite fast. I trailed behind her as she walked in between the cashiers, and I saw her, in slow motion mind you, raise her hand to her mouth as she coughed very hard. Almost in sync, she coughed and blew the back end out of her britches!! I literally saw the seam on the back of her pants ripple from the power of that blast! IN SLOW MOTION! And just as fast as it happened, she stood completely erect, and again in slow motion she turned around, actually she only turned her body from the waist up, looked over her shoulder at me with the look on her face like, "Did you hear that?" Twas the end of me!
Mom was so embarrassed she started walking away quickly. I, on the other hand, lost most of the feeling in my lower body from lack of oxygen from laughing so hard and uncontrollably! I tried so hard to breath, but couldn't. I couldn't see anything, hear anything, and my body was numb! Mom, oblivious to my condition, continued walking, not knowing that I was far behind and near death! I had made it to a rack of videos that was made like a pyramid, and I clutched on to it, still laughing, drooling, turning purple, wheezing, hurting, crying, looking like I was completely drunk! I can only imagine what I must have looked like , even on the surveillance cameras!
Mom finally realized I wasn't behind her, so she came back looking for me. It took a little while before I gained some composure, but when I did, we ran into some friends of mine in the card section. They started to tell me about some trouble they had with their car losing it's muffler and making such loud noise! I lost it again, but this time it wasn't as severe!
Needless to say, you can see a pattern of what happens when my mother and I go to Walmart!! Anything to add mom???
I was waiting right outside the bathroom door for mom to come out, and she did..... walking quite fast. I trailed behind her as she walked in between the cashiers, and I saw her, in slow motion mind you, raise her hand to her mouth as she coughed very hard. Almost in sync, she coughed and blew the back end out of her britches!! I literally saw the seam on the back of her pants ripple from the power of that blast! IN SLOW MOTION! And just as fast as it happened, she stood completely erect, and again in slow motion she turned around, actually she only turned her body from the waist up, looked over her shoulder at me with the look on her face like, "Did you hear that?" Twas the end of me!
Mom was so embarrassed she started walking away quickly. I, on the other hand, lost most of the feeling in my lower body from lack of oxygen from laughing so hard and uncontrollably! I tried so hard to breath, but couldn't. I couldn't see anything, hear anything, and my body was numb! Mom, oblivious to my condition, continued walking, not knowing that I was far behind and near death! I had made it to a rack of videos that was made like a pyramid, and I clutched on to it, still laughing, drooling, turning purple, wheezing, hurting, crying, looking like I was completely drunk! I can only imagine what I must have looked like , even on the surveillance cameras!
Mom finally realized I wasn't behind her, so she came back looking for me. It took a little while before I gained some composure, but when I did, we ran into some friends of mine in the card section. They started to tell me about some trouble they had with their car losing it's muffler and making such loud noise! I lost it again, but this time it wasn't as severe!
Needless to say, you can see a pattern of what happens when my mother and I go to Walmart!! Anything to add mom???
Colonoscopy Horror Story!
I got sick. I got really sick. I ate a hamburger at Burger King and got Salmonella poisoning. This is not funny in any way, shape or form, as I really suffered. However, this started a string of illnesses for me that eventually sent me to a specialist. I was told that I had to have a colonoscopy. I had never had one before, but I was desperate. I had to prepare my intestines by fasting all night and drinking a liquid called, "Go Lightly", which should have been named, "Paint the Walls!" Every hour I had to drink 8 ounces of this liquid, and after about the third glass, I was spewing! One big bowling ball, then goat marbles floating in water, then hot chocolate looking, then water! Ahhhhh, squeaky clean intestines! I think every human should have to do that once a year!!!
Morning came. I washed myself and got the kids together, and of course my hubby, and we all went to the hospital. I will mention again that I had never had one of these procedures done before, so I didn't know what to expect.
I was hauled off into a small room and told to undress and put on one of those fanny showing gowns. I obeyed. Then I was brought into another little room where I saw a weird contraption. It was some kind of a padded table where I was told to lay face down on it, on my belly, and put my knees at the end, on some ledge. I obeyed. So I am laying on my belly on this padded table with my knees on the ledge at the end of the table, and my BIG BUTT sticking out of the gown! It didn't matter how hard I tried to keep it closed, it was going to remain open.
I heard the Doctor tell me to hang on, when all of the sudden I heard this noise and the padded table I was on began to move! My butt was going up into the air and my head was going down towards the floor! It was a hydraulic butt peering table! I was so embarrassed! (get it???? em-bare-assed)
Next thing I know, I have a doctor and a nurse explaining to me that they were about to probe me! "Now, I am going to insert this tube, which is not painful, but I have to sort of blow up your intestines so we can see clearly. You doing okay?"
"Sure."
I hear some noises and feel something cold going into my rear, and then, with each grunt from the machine, some kind of gas was blowing my intestines up.
"Relax and don't push or grunt because we need to keep the air in." Do you know how tempting it was just to grunt a little? I would just die if I blew into the mans face!
So I am upside down and being blown up like a balloon when I start to feel the pressure. With my head full of blood, my intestines full of air, and my butt being molested, I began to realize that I was in trouble.
I began to feel pain and told the Doctor. He told me to just hang in there. Not funny. The pressure began to get worse and it was getting hard to breath. I had been nice up to now, and now he was going to hear it!
"I am done. Get it out!" I said quite forcefully. "Get it OOOOUUUUUTTTTTT!"
"Just a little bit more. You are doing really good." Don't patronize me, Hitler!
I was getting desperate and told him I couldn't breath. I told him he needed to stop. I begged and pleaded, but this man was determined to go so far as to poke my brain! Then I heard him tell the nurse, "Have you ever seen anyone with their legs straight up in the air like this before?" OMG! They were making fun of me! And..... were my legs straight up in the air? I didn't know because I couldn't feel them anymore! I was in so much pain! I couldn't breath! I whined, "Pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeaaassse get it out!" I started to cry a little, and when I did, I grunted and blew my back end off. I was mortified! "Relaaaaax....." the good doctor said. "I'm gonna kill you", I thought. "You can cuss if you want to," he tells me. What good would that do?
After about 10 more minutes of complete and utter agony, he informs me that we're done. Thank God!!!! As he pulls the tube out of my butt, I can hear little poots here and there, and I giggle, causing louder toots to occur! Oh goodness, if I get to laughing I am going to sound like my granny when she laughs, poots, laughs, poots, laugh poots, as she walks across the room! Finally, it's all out, but the air is still there. I hear the sound of the hydraulic table as it lowers, and I am ready to get up. I can feel the air at my sphincter, just waiting to explode through! But as I was lowered, the doctor tells me that I can NOT get up for 5 minutes because I would faint since I was upside down so long! NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo waaahhhhhhhhh! I have to get up and go to the bathroom. "Please let me go to the bathroom", I ask the doctor. "Not yet. Stay laying on the table. You can let it out here." "Absolutely NOT!" I say, trying to preserve some dignity. "It's okay, everyone does it." Well, duhhhhhhh! Do you know how hard it was for me to hold all that air in? The pain came in waves! Each wave made me tighten my butt so hard so that nothing escaped! I begged again to get up. Finally he said I could, but I had to sit in the seat next to the table. I know that if any air escaped it would sound like a train whistle because I was squeezing my cheeks so tight! This made me giggle a little. I was going mad!
Finally, I was allowed to go to the bathroom. I did the curly shuffle with a butt clench to the bathroom, which happened to be right next to an open waiting room, full of people, including my family! I didn't care! It was explosion time!!
I shut the door, plopped on toilet, and...........nothing! What the heck??? Then, I felt movement. The air was making it's way down. "BLAM!" The kinda air that escapes and slams your butthole closed! "YOUCH!!!!!! Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" With every laugh more came out! I was oblivious to the people out there in the waiting room! I could care less what they heard, I was feeling better. I spent 45 minutes in that bathroom deflating. When I came out, my daughter was there smiling, letting me know she heard everything. I didn't care.
Later, when I was sharing my story with friends and family, they were amazed that I was awake during the procedure. Now I am mad that I wasn't given anesthesia! So, if you have never been probed before, if you must have it done, ask to be put under!!!!!
Morning came. I washed myself and got the kids together, and of course my hubby, and we all went to the hospital. I will mention again that I had never had one of these procedures done before, so I didn't know what to expect.
I was hauled off into a small room and told to undress and put on one of those fanny showing gowns. I obeyed. Then I was brought into another little room where I saw a weird contraption. It was some kind of a padded table where I was told to lay face down on it, on my belly, and put my knees at the end, on some ledge. I obeyed. So I am laying on my belly on this padded table with my knees on the ledge at the end of the table, and my BIG BUTT sticking out of the gown! It didn't matter how hard I tried to keep it closed, it was going to remain open.
I heard the Doctor tell me to hang on, when all of the sudden I heard this noise and the padded table I was on began to move! My butt was going up into the air and my head was going down towards the floor! It was a hydraulic butt peering table! I was so embarrassed! (get it???? em-bare-assed)
Next thing I know, I have a doctor and a nurse explaining to me that they were about to probe me! "Now, I am going to insert this tube, which is not painful, but I have to sort of blow up your intestines so we can see clearly. You doing okay?"
"Sure."
I hear some noises and feel something cold going into my rear, and then, with each grunt from the machine, some kind of gas was blowing my intestines up.
"Relax and don't push or grunt because we need to keep the air in." Do you know how tempting it was just to grunt a little? I would just die if I blew into the mans face!
So I am upside down and being blown up like a balloon when I start to feel the pressure. With my head full of blood, my intestines full of air, and my butt being molested, I began to realize that I was in trouble.
I began to feel pain and told the Doctor. He told me to just hang in there. Not funny. The pressure began to get worse and it was getting hard to breath. I had been nice up to now, and now he was going to hear it!
"I am done. Get it out!" I said quite forcefully. "Get it OOOOUUUUUTTTTTT!"
"Just a little bit more. You are doing really good." Don't patronize me, Hitler!
I was getting desperate and told him I couldn't breath. I told him he needed to stop. I begged and pleaded, but this man was determined to go so far as to poke my brain! Then I heard him tell the nurse, "Have you ever seen anyone with their legs straight up in the air like this before?" OMG! They were making fun of me! And..... were my legs straight up in the air? I didn't know because I couldn't feel them anymore! I was in so much pain! I couldn't breath! I whined, "Pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeaaassse get it out!" I started to cry a little, and when I did, I grunted and blew my back end off. I was mortified! "Relaaaaax....." the good doctor said. "I'm gonna kill you", I thought. "You can cuss if you want to," he tells me. What good would that do?
After about 10 more minutes of complete and utter agony, he informs me that we're done. Thank God!!!! As he pulls the tube out of my butt, I can hear little poots here and there, and I giggle, causing louder toots to occur! Oh goodness, if I get to laughing I am going to sound like my granny when she laughs, poots, laughs, poots, laugh poots, as she walks across the room! Finally, it's all out, but the air is still there. I hear the sound of the hydraulic table as it lowers, and I am ready to get up. I can feel the air at my sphincter, just waiting to explode through! But as I was lowered, the doctor tells me that I can NOT get up for 5 minutes because I would faint since I was upside down so long! NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo waaahhhhhhhhh! I have to get up and go to the bathroom. "Please let me go to the bathroom", I ask the doctor. "Not yet. Stay laying on the table. You can let it out here." "Absolutely NOT!" I say, trying to preserve some dignity. "It's okay, everyone does it." Well, duhhhhhhh! Do you know how hard it was for me to hold all that air in? The pain came in waves! Each wave made me tighten my butt so hard so that nothing escaped! I begged again to get up. Finally he said I could, but I had to sit in the seat next to the table. I know that if any air escaped it would sound like a train whistle because I was squeezing my cheeks so tight! This made me giggle a little. I was going mad!
Finally, I was allowed to go to the bathroom. I did the curly shuffle with a butt clench to the bathroom, which happened to be right next to an open waiting room, full of people, including my family! I didn't care! It was explosion time!!
I shut the door, plopped on toilet, and...........nothing! What the heck??? Then, I felt movement. The air was making it's way down. "BLAM!" The kinda air that escapes and slams your butthole closed! "YOUCH!!!!!! Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" With every laugh more came out! I was oblivious to the people out there in the waiting room! I could care less what they heard, I was feeling better. I spent 45 minutes in that bathroom deflating. When I came out, my daughter was there smiling, letting me know she heard everything. I didn't care.
Later, when I was sharing my story with friends and family, they were amazed that I was awake during the procedure. Now I am mad that I wasn't given anesthesia! So, if you have never been probed before, if you must have it done, ask to be put under!!!!!
Tellin' on Myself!
Okay, this was probably one of the most embarrassing moments for me ever! One day my family and I were shopping at Home Depot. Working on our house was a never ending project! But this certain day, as we were walking down a lonely aisle of wood, a gas bubble the size of a Hummer worked it's way down my intestines and caused the most horrific pain! Almost like labor pains! Well, being in a very large warehouse, I knew that if I let this one go it was going to bounce off of every wall and the ceiling and come back to me, and then I would be mortified! I started to walk away, but my husband (ex-husband now) asked me where I was going. I told him my predicament and he insisted that no-one was around, so I should just let it go right there. I looked around, but I knew this was going to be bad, so I told him I was just going to go to the restroom, or better yet, outside! Again, he insisted I let it go right there. My eyes began tearing up just thinking about it, the pain was unbearable! So I looked around again and didn't see anyone, so I let it go. And go did it! It did just what I said it would do! It sounded like an explosion in that warehouse! I started to giggle a little bit when I noticed something moving behind a box about 10 feet from us. All of the sudden, a little face came from behind that box, and there sat a Home Depot worker with the most digusted look on his face! Needless to say, I was mortified and ran out of the store crying from the embarrassment!
However, the next day, while visiting Sams Warehouse, my ex had to do the same thing, but men are disgusting and don't care! (my brother is not included in this assessment. He tries to hide his gassy noises by flushing the toilet and then letting one rip, so the noise of the flush will cover the noise of him!!!!!!) Anyway, my ex walked through a very tight aisle, where the womens clothes were hanging, and just as he ripped one, a postal worker, in all his garb, walked out right in front of him! Well, my ex didn't expect that, so he stood up on his big toe on his right foot and proceeded to twirl, as if the air he was releasing had forced him to fly in a circle, and then made a mad dash out of there, laughing all the way! I laughed so hard I about pee'd my pants! But toon in for the next story, a Walmart doozy! One that nearly took my life! You know what I am talking about MOM!!!!!
However, the next day, while visiting Sams Warehouse, my ex had to do the same thing, but men are disgusting and don't care! (my brother is not included in this assessment. He tries to hide his gassy noises by flushing the toilet and then letting one rip, so the noise of the flush will cover the noise of him!!!!!!) Anyway, my ex walked through a very tight aisle, where the womens clothes were hanging, and just as he ripped one, a postal worker, in all his garb, walked out right in front of him! Well, my ex didn't expect that, so he stood up on his big toe on his right foot and proceeded to twirl, as if the air he was releasing had forced him to fly in a circle, and then made a mad dash out of there, laughing all the way! I laughed so hard I about pee'd my pants! But toon in for the next story, a Walmart doozy! One that nearly took my life! You know what I am talking about MOM!!!!!
Creature Unknown
Sorry but I beat all with my death defying tale of the honey comb/bee hive on the cruise ship!!!!!
It was a warm summer day on the cruise ship and I was sitting in the window enjoying the first time on such a large boat. Well, after I finished a little champagne and eating a strawberry covered in chocolate, nature called. To my wonder, grandmother just came out of the restroom, so I went in. Expecting to use the facilities, I lifted the seat and tried NOT TO THROW UP!!!! Screaming from the horrible creature lurking in the toilet bowl, I demanded the creator of the thing to fix it! So she, while laughing, attempted to flushed the honey comb/bee hive master piece down the drain. But the toilet was no match for the catastrophe in the pot! So with great effort and a toilet wand, the creature was flushed down into the great unknown! And that is the tale of how the Lochness Monster came back .
The End
It was a warm summer day on the cruise ship and I was sitting in the window enjoying the first time on such a large boat. Well, after I finished a little champagne and eating a strawberry covered in chocolate, nature called. To my wonder, grandmother just came out of the restroom, so I went in. Expecting to use the facilities, I lifted the seat and tried NOT TO THROW UP!!!! Screaming from the horrible creature lurking in the toilet bowl, I demanded the creator of the thing to fix it! So she, while laughing, attempted to flushed the honey comb/bee hive master piece down the drain. But the toilet was no match for the catastrophe in the pot! So with great effort and a toilet wand, the creature was flushed down into the great unknown! And that is the tale of how the Lochness Monster came back .
The End
Thursday, January 8, 2009
stupidity
My husband just came into my office and said there was a commercial on talking about the taste of Tuscanny. He was all tuned up for Olive Garden, when they said it was CAT FOOD. Well, just as I've told anybody who'd listen to me, (you know--people in line at Wal-Mart with their giant bags of dog and cat food, the pharmacist, the waitress at Cracker Barrell, ladies with their pedigreed pooches with bows in their hair and painted toenails even if they are a BOY dog, but I digress) especially during the poisoned dog foot from China phase, that when I see a dog or a cat come into the kitchen, put on an apron, dig out the vegetables and cook them all up real nice, add some grains and a smidge of meat to the mixture, then clean it all up with their face, I'll believe they should be eating cooked grains and vegetables. I've had cats and dogs all my life and left to their own devices they may dive into my vegetable patch but it is only because they spotted a rabbit, mouse, or a chipmunk in there. Put 2 plates of food down for pampered pooch, one full of the choicest vegetables and the other some old dead animal. Guess which one will disappear the fastest? An old vet told me one time if you want a healthy dog feed 'em neck bones and raw eggs. I can't afford neck bones and eggs for me, so they can keep on eating 'em rabbits, mice, chipmunks, and SQUIRRELS! Although, if the recession gets any worse I may want to save the squirrels for my own pot of stew.
Walmart Story part 1
Walmart gets us every time! Each visit to Walmart results in a new and hilarious story! Here's a stroke inducer:
My mother and I were shopping at Walmart one evening, and though we went there to specifically buy some Wilton cake making stuff for a party, it is just tradition to walk through the whole store, touching everything in site! My mother is worse than I am about this! However, so as not to forget what we came for, we went straight to the crafts department. I trailed my mother closely with the cart, careful not to run over her heals, as she is known to embarrass the living crud out of you if you did!
As mom approached the aisle with the Wilton products, there was a short, stocky man and his wife lookiing at the exact things we needed. Mom, still ahead of the cart, stood just behind the man, looking over his shoulder. I parked the cart by her rump and proceed to look around. However, I didn't realize that the cart had cornered her between her and the short man. All of the sudden, with swiftness like an antelope, mom turned around, eyes big as saucers, and you know how camels can close their nostrils to keep the sand out of their nose? That is what she was trying to do! I never knew there were so many muscles in the face around the nostrils! And I never knew my mother could make such faces! She stood straighter than straight, and she proceeded to bring her hands up, like how a child would act like a bunny rabbit, or a begging puppy, and then she used them to shoo me backwards. Remember, I had her cornered with the cart! I did NOT understand what she meant, or what she wanted me to do. After shooing me a few more times, she grabbed the front of the cart and shoved me, HARD, and then scooted away. I was still confused, and when I caught up to her, she told me that as she was bending over the guy, she heard this "poooooooh" sound, and then the smell hit her nose like a brick! She was so mad at me for keeping her cornered there, smelling this mans rotton insides!
After we stopped laughing and could breath fresh air again,we walked to the front of the store and began looking at the ladies clothes. Mom was looking at a round rack of plus size clothes, and I went to the clothes hanging on a wall. As I approached the side of a rather large woman, I heard an all out "Rrrrrrrrrriippppppppp"! I felt the air flow, smelled the stank, and as I turned around, there was my mother, about 6 feet away from me, and she yells, "Renae, was that YOU!?" I didn't even do it, but I was mortified! I responded, "NO!" Then we both busted up laughing, once again having to run to a different area of the store! Don't think it ended there. We decided to go to the shoe departemnt where we ran into a cloud of stank, not knowing who left it behind, and we decided it just was not the day to be at Walmart. We quickly grabbed what we needed, paid, and left. My mother swears that everytime we are in a Walmart, they keep the video surveillance of us for their training classes. They have to think we are drunk or up to something no good! If only they knew!
My mother and I were shopping at Walmart one evening, and though we went there to specifically buy some Wilton cake making stuff for a party, it is just tradition to walk through the whole store, touching everything in site! My mother is worse than I am about this! However, so as not to forget what we came for, we went straight to the crafts department. I trailed my mother closely with the cart, careful not to run over her heals, as she is known to embarrass the living crud out of you if you did!
As mom approached the aisle with the Wilton products, there was a short, stocky man and his wife lookiing at the exact things we needed. Mom, still ahead of the cart, stood just behind the man, looking over his shoulder. I parked the cart by her rump and proceed to look around. However, I didn't realize that the cart had cornered her between her and the short man. All of the sudden, with swiftness like an antelope, mom turned around, eyes big as saucers, and you know how camels can close their nostrils to keep the sand out of their nose? That is what she was trying to do! I never knew there were so many muscles in the face around the nostrils! And I never knew my mother could make such faces! She stood straighter than straight, and she proceeded to bring her hands up, like how a child would act like a bunny rabbit, or a begging puppy, and then she used them to shoo me backwards. Remember, I had her cornered with the cart! I did NOT understand what she meant, or what she wanted me to do. After shooing me a few more times, she grabbed the front of the cart and shoved me, HARD, and then scooted away. I was still confused, and when I caught up to her, she told me that as she was bending over the guy, she heard this "poooooooh" sound, and then the smell hit her nose like a brick! She was so mad at me for keeping her cornered there, smelling this mans rotton insides!
After we stopped laughing and could breath fresh air again,we walked to the front of the store and began looking at the ladies clothes. Mom was looking at a round rack of plus size clothes, and I went to the clothes hanging on a wall. As I approached the side of a rather large woman, I heard an all out "Rrrrrrrrrriippppppppp"! I felt the air flow, smelled the stank, and as I turned around, there was my mother, about 6 feet away from me, and she yells, "Renae, was that YOU!?" I didn't even do it, but I was mortified! I responded, "NO!" Then we both busted up laughing, once again having to run to a different area of the store! Don't think it ended there. We decided to go to the shoe departemnt where we ran into a cloud of stank, not knowing who left it behind, and we decided it just was not the day to be at Walmart. We quickly grabbed what we needed, paid, and left. My mother swears that everytime we are in a Walmart, they keep the video surveillance of us for their training classes. They have to think we are drunk or up to something no good! If only they knew!
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