Colonoscopy Horror Story!

I got sick. I got really sick. I ate a hamburger at Burger King and got Salmonella poisoning. This is not funny in any way, shape or form, as I really suffered. However, this started a string of illnesses for me that eventually sent me to a specialist. I was told that I had to have a colonoscopy. I had never had one before, but I was desperate. I had to prepare my intestines by fasting all night and drinking a liquid called, "Go Lightly", which should have been named, "Paint the Walls!" Every hour I had to drink 8 ounces of this liquid, and after about the third glass, I was spewing! One big bowling ball, then goat marbles floating in water, then hot chocolate looking, then water! Ahhhhh, squeaky clean intestines! I think every human should have to do that once a year!!!
Morning came. I washed myself and got the kids together, and of course my hubby, and we all went to the hospital. I will mention again that I had never had one of these procedures done before, so I didn't know what to expect.
I was hauled off into a small room and told to undress and put on one of those fanny showing gowns. I obeyed. Then I was brought into another little room where I saw a weird contraption. It was some kind of a padded table where I was told to lay face down on it, on my belly, and put my knees at the end, on some ledge. I obeyed. So I am laying on my belly on this padded table with my knees on the ledge at the end of the table, and my BIG BUTT sticking out of the gown! It didn't matter how hard I tried to keep it closed, it was going to remain open.
I heard the Doctor tell me to hang on, when all of the sudden I heard this noise and the padded table I was on began to move! My butt was going up into the air and my head was going down towards the floor! It was a hydraulic butt peering table! I was so embarrassed! (get it???? em-bare-assed)
Next thing I know, I have a doctor and a nurse explaining to me that they were about to probe me! "Now, I am going to insert this tube, which is not painful, but I have to sort of blow up your intestines so we can see clearly. You doing okay?"
"Sure."
I hear some noises and feel something cold going into my rear, and then, with each grunt from the machine, some kind of gas was blowing my intestines up.
"Relax and don't push or grunt because we need to keep the air in." Do you know how tempting it was just to grunt a little? I would just die if I blew into the mans face!
So I am upside down and being blown up like a balloon when I start to feel the pressure. With my head full of blood, my intestines full of air, and my butt being molested, I began to realize that I was in trouble.
I began to feel pain and told the Doctor. He told me to just hang in there. Not funny. The pressure began to get worse and it was getting hard to breath. I had been nice up to now, and now he was going to hear it!
"I am done. Get it out!" I said quite forcefully. "Get it OOOOUUUUUTTTTTT!"
"Just a little bit more. You are doing really good." Don't patronize me, Hitler!
I was getting desperate and told him I couldn't breath. I told him he needed to stop. I begged and pleaded, but this man was determined to go so far as to poke my brain! Then I heard him tell the nurse, "Have you ever seen anyone with their legs straight up in the air like this before?" OMG! They were making fun of me! And..... were my legs straight up in the air? I didn't know because I couldn't feel them anymore! I was in so much pain! I couldn't breath! I whined, "Pllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeaaassse get it out!" I started to cry a little, and when I did, I grunted and blew my back end off. I was mortified! "Relaaaaax....." the good doctor said. "I'm gonna kill you", I thought. "You can cuss if you want to," he tells me. What good would that do?
After about 10 more minutes of complete and utter agony, he informs me that we're done. Thank God!!!! As he pulls the tube out of my butt, I can hear little poots here and there, and I giggle, causing louder toots to occur! Oh goodness, if I get to laughing I am going to sound like my granny when she laughs, poots, laughs, poots, laugh poots, as she walks across the room! Finally, it's all out, but the air is still there. I hear the sound of the hydraulic table as it lowers, and I am ready to get up. I can feel the air at my sphincter, just waiting to explode through! But as I was lowered, the doctor tells me that I can NOT get up for 5 minutes because I would faint since I was upside down so long! NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo waaahhhhhhhhh! I have to get up and go to the bathroom. "Please let me go to the bathroom", I ask the doctor. "Not yet. Stay laying on the table. You can let it out here." "Absolutely NOT!" I say, trying to preserve some dignity. "It's okay, everyone does it." Well, duhhhhhhh! Do you know how hard it was for me to hold all that air in? The pain came in waves! Each wave made me tighten my butt so hard so that nothing escaped! I begged again to get up. Finally he said I could, but I had to sit in the seat next to the table. I know that if any air escaped it would sound like a train whistle because I was squeezing my cheeks so tight! This made me giggle a little. I was going mad!
Finally, I was allowed to go to the bathroom. I did the curly shuffle with a butt clench to the bathroom, which happened to be right next to an open waiting room, full of people, including my family! I didn't care! It was explosion time!!
I shut the door, plopped on toilet, and...........nothing! What the heck??? Then, I felt movement. The air was making it's way down. "BLAM!" The kinda air that escapes and slams your butthole closed! "YOUCH!!!!!! Ah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" With every laugh more came out! I was oblivious to the people out there in the waiting room! I could care less what they heard, I was feeling better. I spent 45 minutes in that bathroom deflating. When I came out, my daughter was there smiling, letting me know she heard everything. I didn't care.
Later, when I was sharing my story with friends and family, they were amazed that I was awake during the procedure. Now I am mad that I wasn't given anesthesia! So, if you have never been probed before, if you must have it done, ask to be put under!!!!!