I went on a cruise. I went with a fuddy-duddy who didn't want to have any fun. I have since gotten rid of him. While on the cruise, I had to do everything by myself and I didn't get to do a lot because he was whining the whole time. The cruise itself was something I wanted to do if I could be on there with people who wanted to have fun! So, the first person I thought of was MOM! And I thought the kids would have a lot of fun too! Mom was a hard sell. "I AM NOT GETTING ON A SHIP, I AM CLAUSTROPHOBIC, I AM NOT GOING TO GET ON A PLANK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN WHERE YOU CANNOT SEE LAND! I SAW TITANIC, AND I WOULD BE A REALLY GOOD SHARK MORSEL! " I had to carefully explain to mom that there were NO ice burgs between Mobile, Alabama and Cozumel, Mexico, to which she quickly retorted, "I ALSO SAW THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE!" But mom has never met a grandchild she could say no too. Besides, I told her that they feed you around the clock and you don't have to do the dishes! She said, "Sounds like a plan! I am gonna eat my way all the way to Cozumel and all the way back!" AND, the opportunity became available because the Port was brand new and it was the first ship to leave from Mobile. You couldn't beat the price either, as all 5 of us got to cruise for the price of 2!
In October 2004, we set sail for a 5 day cruise to Cozumel, MX. It was cold and rainy and foggy in Birmingham, our home town. So we dressed like Eskimos for the trip from Birmingham to Mobile. We'd no sooner cleared Montgomery when the sun came out and it was 89 degree's easy! And it only got hotter as we progressed towards Mobile. Well... we only allowed enough time to get from B'ham to Ricky's house and get our suitcases in Sandra's car and then head to the port. So, we get to the port, 2 fat menopausal women dressed in "snowmobile suits" in 98 degree weather! (we were in long pants and long sleeved shirts, so it seemed like it was a snowmobile suit for these two women who didn't have an ovary between them!) Nobody told us that we were going to have to be in a line for 2 hours , in the sweltering heat, in our "snowmobile suits" to board that ship! We finally managed to get through all of this and get on the ship. Found our room. Room was lovely. We had chocolate dipped strawberries and champagne in our room. Wanting to rub it in, ma flips out her cell phone and calls her husband to tell him that she's in the room and that we had chocolate dipped strawberries and champagne. I took a picture!! While mom was posing for the picture Samantha scarfed down all 5 of those strawberries!
Next thing is, we are in a hurry to ditch those heavy clothes and put on something more suitable. Before we could get a leg out of our pants, they made this big announcement that everybody on the ship had to get the life preservers that were in their room and head down to this big room so that we could learn what to do if we had to evacuate. We only THOUGHT it was hot until we got to that meeting room.! There had to be 900 people crammed in that room, and now in addition to our snowmobile suit, we have a heavy, hot life preserver around our necks!! Mom did some fast calculating; 900 people times 98.6 degrees........... equals 88,740 degrees! Mom was looking for a set of ovaries to borrow!! Mom, being reluctant to even go on a cruise, told me, "This is no fun! I know what to do if we have to abandon ship! I am climbing over top of everybody and getting in one of those life boats!"
Mom and I were at the back of the herd, and she noticed that there was an empty space and possibly some fresh air, so she headed for it. She took 2 steps backwards and a security person told her she couldn't stand there, she had to join the rest of the herd! Moms life jacket was way too little for her. She was complaining that if she was thrown overboard this little thing wasn't going to do anything for her, and she asked, "What do they think I can do with this thing anyway?" I turned to look around the room a whole big thirty seconds, and then I heard mom say,"Hey Nae, look what I can do!" She squished that life preserver around the cheeks on her face, managed to hunker her neck into it, and all the excess fat around her chin was oozed out all around that life preserver and her cheeks were so squished that she had fish lips and her eyes were squints (ya'll think I'm joking!) and in Edith Anns voice through those fish lips, she said, "Mr. Bus driver, sir, can you please open your door?" I do believe in the 30 to 40 minutes of sweltering torture, we managed to offend half the cruise before we set sail! Especially when mother raised her hand and pointed her finger straight up in the air and said in her best English accent, " Evian over here please!" Her plea's were ignored. Undaunted, she raised her hand again and said, "Bottled water please!" still in the English accent! Still ignored, then in her best Fred Flintsone bellow, she said, "What's a person got to do to get a drink water around here?" She was completely ignored.
As soon as we learned what to do in case of "enemy fire", or if we hit an "ice burg", they turned the herd loose and we were able to go back to our room!! As the herd was being disbanded, mom gave me that look and asked, "Are we having FUN YET?"
When we got back to the room we changed into something more suitable so we could go to the front of the boat and watch as we set sail. There wasn't a lot of room out there and there was a guy about 35 years old who hadn't quite mastered the english language and who looked like his name should have been Jethro Bodine, was drunk and pointing and yelling, "Over yonder's the POO-POO plant!" Mom asked the man, "Should we stop over there and get some toilet paper?" We ended up leaving and going to the back of the boat to get away from that obnoxious fool!
After we took off and we got to clean, blue water, the sun went down pretty quick and we were starving, and so our cruise began.
Told by Sharon and Renae
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